Life Sucks And Then It Sucks Some More

I'm not sure if I'm going through an angry phase or a depressed phase or both. Probably both.
Right now it just seems like everything sucks and it's not gonna get better. It seems like all I'm ever going to feel is anger or depression. I'm starting to realize that no matter what, it is always going to feel like something is missing from now on.

Easter, for instance. I got my son and daughter's Easter baskets together, but as I did it, I realized that I was making the baskets for my kids...but I have 3 kids and 2 baskets. Sydney will never get an Easter basket. She'll never open a Christmas present or have a birthday party. I'll never get to see her in a Halloween costume or take her to see fireworks on the Fourth of July. She's gone. And my only hope of ever seeing her again is a desperate belief in heaven. And to all the atheists out there, if you ever dare to argue with me about heaven's existence, I will fucking destroy you. There, I said it. The belief that my daughter is safe and with Jesus is the only thing that gives me a chance of getting up in the morning.

Speaking of which, doing so has become exceedingly difficult in the last two months. Today my boss came to me complaining that I hadn't worked enough hours and that if I kept going like that, I would be demoted to part time. Now, we're not talking about me working only 15 hours a week or something, but I usually miss the minimum requirement by less than an hour to at worst 2 or 3 hours. I barely get scheduled the minimum as it is, and if something comes up or I accidentally take a long lunch (yes, that can be done on accident), then I slip below.

However, upon further review, I realized that this has only been a problem since Sydney died. So I'm gonna pull out the psycho babble here and suggest that my subconscious is telling me to leave early or take a long lunch or go home when there isn't anything to do. I guess. I don't know. I'm so depressed and confused I can't even figure myself out.

Either way, I have to learn to leave my suffering at the door, if it's even possible. It's a lead brick at work for me and it just feeds the anxiety I already feel there. I'm going to have to force myself to be enthusiastic and to take my job more seriously. At this point, apathy could easily destroy everything for me.

Why does everything have to be so hard?