Thursday, December 31, 2009

10 months later

I feel really bad not updating this blog in the last 8 months. I just had a really hard time putting feelings into words, and couldn't really find inspiration to write.
I've had some ups and downs since April. The 6 month mark was very hard for both me and my wife. I don't really know why that is, but apparently it's common. The holidays have been busy, which helps take the edge off the pain, but I had some real rough moments.
I work at a Sears store, and seeing the Baby's First Christmas outfits really hurt. The same kind or ornaments hurt even worse. The worst part was we had a Baby's First Christmas ornament right next to an In Memory picture ornament. It was really unnerving when I realized that I would need the In Memory ornament when I was supposed to have the First Christmas one.
This was supposed to be Sydney's first Christmas with cute Christmas dresses and outfits and Christmas pictures and her first Christmas presents. Instead, all we could do was decorate her grave.
I don't feel necessarily that depressed lately. Just angry. I keep trying to focus on the rest of my life and try to find something positive there, but lately it just isn't working. For the most part, my life is pretty good. I have a steady job. I have two wonderful living children. I have an amazing wife. But something like this can kill you on the inside.
I miss her so much.

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